Saying Goodbye...

I am staring at this blank Word document and just do not know where to begin…

A lot has happened since my last blog post as most of you already know. My Grandmother passed away late last Saturday night after not eating or drinking for over three days. We had finally managed to get my father up to see her on Saturday afternoon and I truly believe that was what she was waiting on since all of the rest of the family had already made it there to be with her in the last three days. Her condition was still the same as the day before just less and less responses to my voice and touch. Hubby and I came back to see her again that Saturday evening around 8pm- we spent 30 or so minutes with her. I remember telling her that we were staying at her house again that night and would be back to see her the next morning and how much we loved her. She died two hours later. We were back there by 11pm and then had to endure the hospice coming in and pronouncing her, destroying all the leftover meds, and then preparing the body for pickup. And then the funeral home came in, gave me their instructions, etc. and then together with hospice they did the final preparations and took her away. I seemed to be floating around the entire time just trying to take it all in- watching them destroy the thousands of dollars of pills and those precious glaucoma eye drops, listening to the preacher talk about happier times, watching my brother breakdown at her bedside once he got there, watching them zip the body bag with her in it, listening to the funeral director instruct me on her burial outfit and how to transport it, and then being left with the mound of paperwork in hand once they leave with her. And all of that by 2am!
And then we had to be back at the funeral home by 10am to set up the arrangements. I am sitting at this table with the funeral director and my mother answering a thousand or so questions when I realize that never in my life did I ever think that I would be planning someone’s funeral… Not at my young age at least. And then my father and his wife show up and his input only makes the setting of the arrangements even harder. All in all, the meeting was a lot easier than I thought planning a funeral would be. Of course, I am sure that if her death was a sudden one, that planning would have been a lot harder. I spent the next couple days on the phone- seriously- the phone did not stop ringing. The amount of emails, text messages, Facebook messages and phone calls was overwhelming. There were a few times that I almost turned the phone off just to be able to get something else done- at least that is what Hubby kept threatening. I kept going through my phone list trying to make sure that I did not miss some distant family member and I am here to tell you that I AMAZED at how many folks STILL do not understand the concept of dementia- or the fact that you CAN die of it- or at least from the complications that result from advanced stage dementia. The weather during all of this was horrible too- the rain and storms just kept coming. We were trying to get her house and yard in order just in case someone dropped in. The visitation was Tuesday night- lots of folks that I have not seen a really long time came to pay their respects. I did really well on the “try not to cry” rule of mine until one of my Grandmother’s older friends started talking about “have no regrets” and all… Why is there always one person in the bunch that insists on upsetting the surviving family members? I just KNEW someone was going to do that- it never fails. Afterwards, we went out to supper in town with a group of my old buddies and how nice it was to catch up with them!
The funeral was late Wednesday morning and the weather actually cooperated! I had struggled for the few days before trying to pull together the pallbearer list, but it all worked out in the end. The service was wonderful, my Grandmother’s cousin played her favorite- Amazing Grace on the bagpipes at the graveside and then we had the most delicious lunch at the Church afterwards. You should have seen the spread of food these good folks from her Church put on! I just could not get over how much food was there. When we made it back to the house, all of the flowers and plants filled the den- had to sort them out- one to each Church, one to the Assisted Living, one to the Caregiver, one to Hospice, my mother, my father, and us. And then we had to sort the dishes folks brought to the house… it just never seemed to stop. We finally made it back to the city late that night since both of us had to go back to work. And now the large task of sorting her affairs is on the horizon- Lord help me with this arduous task- I am going to need it. Hopefully, closing and transferring accounts and settling the estate will go as smoothly as possible. I just hope the family members involved want to cooperate and help this transition go as easy as possible too. We shall see…

The Road Long Traveled

The call came in yesterday afternoon while I was in a long meeting at work. I did not get the voicemail until almost two hours later. My Grandmother had been non-responsive all day yesterday. She just slept all day in a deep slumber and the caregivers could not awaken her to eat, drink or take her meds. I called my Mom and she went over there after work to try herself. They tried everything to get some sort of response out of her- even putting ice cubes on the bottoms of her feet! And they got nothing…
The hospice on-call nurse arrived late yesterday evening and after not being able to even detect a blood pressure reading he declared, “it is time”… I get this tidbit around 9pm last night- and that just sends me into overdrive. I go on a packing and preparing frenzy- wash clothes, iron shirts, cook supper, clean kitchen, pack clothes, shoes, linens, landscaping tools, laptop, snacks and try to spend time with the dog in between. I finally crashed at midnight after all of above and having successfully called boot camp and work to tell them I would not be there this morning.
I did not sleep well at all and woke very tired. Showered and loaded up vehicle in record time and hit the road.
When I saw my Grandmother this morning (after only 5 days since my last visit) the difference in her physical appearance was most rattling again. She has bones jutting out all over her little body! Her eyes are wide open staring upward and her mouth is just gaping open and the loud sound of her breathing just makes me wonder if she is struggling to get enough air. Both ladies that care for her are with me and I grab her hands and call out to her, “Memaw! Memaw it is me, Kelly!” and her eyebrows actually raise up! And both hands quickly squeeze mine just for a second. Both caregivers are in shock… I keep calling out to her and talking to her and she only responds sporadically with eyebrow movements and quick hand movements. It is almost like her mouth and eyes are paralyzed or something. I went by several times today to see her in between all of the yard work projects my brother, Hubby and I worked on at her house all day. I pretty much got the same responses all day- but, by this evening she seemed to try to say something but her mouth would not do anything more than stay gaped open. I talked to her over and over and assured her that everything was okay. Of course, I know that without food or water she will not last long. But, any ability to eat or drink is now gone. The lines of communication are gone. The capability of functioning on any level is gone. And soon she will be gone… My heart is filled with sadness this day.

Score!

Since my Grandmother is now on an "ensure" and smoothie diet, they are trying to get 3 to 5 cans down her a day....And well, that is about 21 to 35 cans per week! And even though I just delivered last Friday six 6-packs of those precious Target-brand "Nutritional Drinks" (ensure knock-offs about $3/pak cheaper), I made another ensure run yesterday after work. And can you say "SCORE!" ? I landed TWELVE 6-packs yesterday in one store!! How awesome is that? I usually find only 2 or 4 on the shelf or none at all. I was definitely on a lucky streak last night!!

Honeysuckle Season

Has anyone noticed the honeysuckle vines blooming lately? It seems to be every where right now and it smells SOOO good! I smelled it last week in the park where we boot camp in the early hours of the morning. I smell it when I go see Sampson over at our good neighbors house. I smelled it many, many times this past weekend back home in the country.
When I was a child, we would pull the blooms off the honeysuckle vine and pull the flower out to eat the small drop of "honey" in it... just what the bees are always after! That little drop of sweetness was so good to a child's taste buds. Of course, I would never do it now. Lord knows what kind of chemicals are layered on the blooms these days...

Home Cooked Memories!

Hubby and I made a trip to the local vegetable stand this afternoon for some homegrown goodies. We bought lots of delicious things and then came home to start the pot roast I told Hubby I was going to cook him for his work lunches this coming week. I decided to cook the pint of pink-eyed peas I bought at the stand and several ears of the white corn. I pulled out my old pressure cooker that my Grandmother gave me when I bought my first house. I set up the peas with bacon bits and set it to cook. About twenty minutes later, Hubby comes flying in the office to inform me that the pot of peas is going crazy in the kitchen. I just laugh and say that is what they are supposed to be doing! He must not be used to someone cooking in a pressure cooker- guess that is a sign I should be cooking more food in it more often, huh? Well, a little later I went to the basement to grab the clothes out of the dryer and when I came back into the main level of our house, the delicious smell of the peas cooking just filled my head with so many childhood memories of my Grandmother’s home smelling just like that for so many years and my heart just longed to be in her kitchen again. I told Hubby that the smell of our supper cooking smelled just liked my home with my Grandmother when I was growing up and how much I just love that smell. Needless to say, the meal was as delicious as I remember hers being back home. My heart is smiling!

One Day At A Time...

I left work early on Friday with our dog Sampson in tow. I had taken him to work with me in the early hours of that morning… he did well at the office and during the 2 hour ride to my hometown. We arrived on time at the house where my Grandmother stays these days with her Caregiver. When we walked into her room there, her physical appearance surprised me… I could not believe how different she looked from just two weeks earlier when we were last in town. She was lying in the bed eyes wide open and staring up at the sky it seemed with her mouth gaping open. And she looked so frail and gaunt… she seems to be wasting away before my eyes- I think to myself. We call out her name and she comes to, words jumbled and mumbled and her eyes are now straight ahead but not exactly looking at US. The Caregiver tries to feed her a sandwich and has to repeatedly tell her to open her mouth, chew the food, and swallow the food and so on. She manages to get about two bites down her and gives up on the solid food and moves onto the Ensure supplement drink. She no longer uses a straw since she bites it and won’t let go. She gets it down sip by sip. And then she dozed off… her pattern seems to be mostly dozing or sleeping and then awake when spoken to or stimulated by bathing, eating, etc. Watching her that morning and then watching her again that evening confirmed that she is much worse than just two weeks ago. I went back to see her on Saturday morning and again for several hours that afternoon. She pretty much stayed in the bed dozing or mumbling… her speech is gone, but she still recognizes me by name and voice. Of course I am concerned about the fact that she is living off Ensure drinks. And the fact that she is pretty much in the bed all day now. We are heading back down there this Friday until Sunday do work on the land, do some clean up at her house and visit with her too. I called the Preacher and her best friend and told them that it was not good… I really cannot say how much longer she has….
And then there is our beloved dog… I took him the Vet back home on Friday afternoon for a second opinion. He wound up staying overnight and the verdict is not good. His spleen is full of cancer, which is driving his white blood cells high, and his red blood cells low causing him to be severely anemic. The mass in his spleen is pushing against his GI tract making it hard for him to digest food. His blood is thin, his temperature is high and he has a severe case of congestive heart failure. And now because all of the above makes him not want to eat, his body mass is consuming itself for nutrition. Poor Sampson! He has the saddest eyes you have ever seen. It is just depression all around in our household right now…

My heavy workload right now at my job is also weighing on me and taking its toll. Along with the ongoing drama with the psycho neighbor and a certain family member, I am just about ready to de-nail my fingers! I am graying by the minute for crying out loud…
I did tell Hubby this morning that when this is all over, I want to go the beach and just sit. No schedule, no worries, no plans, no nothing… just us and a cooler of cold drinks in the sun next to the ocean. We shall see if that ever happens…

My Merry-Go-Round Is Outta Control!!

I feel like I am on a merry-go-round that is spinning out of control and everyone is falling apart around me!
That is exactly how I felt today... dealing with all of the dog's ups and downs these past two weeks has been traumatic enough and now my Grandmother has stopped eating. That was the first phone call of the day after I spent a chunk of my morning taking the dog over to the good neighbors for the day. The phone call took another chunk of my day as I listened to the Caregiver plow through all the details of my Grandmother's latest behaviors. It is as if she has forgotten "what to do" when food or drink is spooned into her mouth- almost like the wire between her brain and her jaw to chew is gone as well as the wire to her esophagus to swallow. Besides the fact that the Caregiver is dealing with her own son in ICU and juggling that with my ever-downward-spiraling Grandmother, she is all stressed out. And her stress just adds to my stress... again, there goes that darn merry-go-round!
Hubby had decided to try and get Sampson an appointment at the Vet's office back home for sometime Friday afternoon- I would just take a 1/2 day off to take him down there and Hubby would just meet me there after he left his work site in Alabama that afternoon since we already planning on a trip home this weekend (and we missed Mothers Day wkend!). Well now that the Caregiver has continuously called me with more and more unfavorable reports on my Grandmother this week, I have pretty much decided that maybe I should just take the whole day off and go spend some time with her too. I will just have to take the dog with me...
I am also struggling to balance all of the above with my heavy work load right now at the office.... trying to juggle three diffferent projects and deal with outside drama and trauma just does not sit well with me. And let's not forget about the ever-ongoing drama with the cable-hating-drama queen next door.... that whole ordeal has me practically running into the house everyday when I park in the driveway just so I won't have to see or hear her....
Again, when will this merry-go-round ever stop? And then tonight a letter came in the mail from a neighbor back home with a picture of us on Christmas Day with my Grandmother... I just teared up when I saw it. That was the day we moved her out of assisted living and in with the Caregiver because "it was time"... it is so hard to believe that was almost five months ago! Where does time go when my world is so darn chaotic?
One bit of good news: Sampson stayed home with us last night since Hubby came home from Alabama... we actually got him to eat pizza crust with us while enjoying the Biggest Loser finale. He seemed much more upbeat last night but is definitely still not quite his old self. He did have another little accident while he slept through the night- fortunately this time he was on the hardwood floor and not the carpet! It's the small things that make me happy...