One Day At a Time

So this past Sunday would have been my Grandmother's 81st birthday. It was on my mind all day long- very haunting memories of past birthdays... I remember this time last year when I was planning her 80th birthday. I called on a circle of her closest friends from back home and invited them to the assisted living center where she resided. I had a beautiful birthday cake made for her and we all celebrated her special day that afternoon on her actual birthdate. She was so surprised and so excited! We had a wonderful time telling our favorite memories of her and some folks shared how they met her YEARS before. And even at her level of dementia at that time, she seemed to remember their experiences. Of course, that was the same day we were surprised with the news that my father had remarried (unbeknownst to us)... his (supposed) wife enlightened the entire party that day when she introduced herself as "Mrs. Kelly's Father" and my Grandmother just turned to me with her mouth gaping open in shock. I reassured her that it was okay and made a mental note to fuss at him later. So it was a crazy day all the way around!
And then back in February of this year, my Grandmother's Caregiver baked a birthday cake for the other lady being cared for in the household and my Grandmother got so jealous... we assured her that we would bake a birthday cake for her on her birthday too... looks like we never made it. Her Caregiver called me on Sunday to see how I was doing and to tell me that this was the day she marked on her calender to bake that birthday cake... I just teared up. And then I laughed and said, "well, did you bake one? we can always drive down and help you eat it!"... That is how she would have wanted it.
It is hard to believe it has been almost six weeks since she died. Oh well, one day at a time...

No Matter What

I had another one of those moments last Friday... or should I say another one of those thoughts? It is really hard to describe the feeling I had at that moment but, I will be going along with my day and all of a sudden I will experience a small wave of panic inside of me and think how I have not called and checked on Grandmother... and then I reach for my cell phone to call... and then realization hits... and it hits HARD. The realization that I cannot just call her any more. No more just picking up the phone to call and seeing how her day is going... see how she did through the night... to find out what her latest issue is...
Earlier one day in the week before last, I had the overwhelming desire to call her to tell her what a good day our dog, Sampson had.... and then the depression sinks in that I cannot tell her. But, the feeling that comes over me is like a urge that is so familiar... I suppose it is because that is how it has been now for the past 2 and 1/2 years. My days had been controlled with the constant reminders to call my Grandmother to check on her. On every vacation, every work trip, etc. I always had to make sure I had my cell with me at all times, all day and all night just in case something happened and I always had to call her to assure her I was okay and wanted to see how she was doing that day. It was a daily ritual no matter what ...and I am having one hell of time trying to stop the urges and break the rituals... am I insane or what?

No Regrets

I received a phone call last night from a family member who said they were calling to check on me to see how I am holding up after my Grandmother’s funeral, etc. After several minutes of chitchatting about this and that we managed to get onto a kind of touchy subject… I was a little surprised when she confessed that she regretted not taking the time to go see my Grandmother in the past few months. I am thinking to myself- “Wow. Really? You and how many other friends and family?” This particular person has been a popular topic of discussion over the past nine months during all of the time my Grandmother was on the downward spiral in her health. Most of the discussions revolved around the fact that she just stopped going to see her at all. And when I would call to check on her, she really had no reason for not taking the time to go see her except that she is busy at her job (Note that she is WELL over retirement age and is still working a cash register somewhere to support her spending habits…) Yet, none of the rest of us could figure out why she didn’t even attempt to visit… And now she is confessing that she regrets it… Wow. It is really astonishing to me how so many folks have so many regrets in their lifetime. And these regrets really start to rear their ugly head only after someone dies. On the flip side, several folks have said to me in the past two weeks- “Have no regrets. Kelly, you did so much for your Grandmother- never regret any of it”… Those words really make me wonder why someone would tell me that… Why would anyone think that I regret ANY of it? I find it odd because believe me- I have NO regrets! I did everything I could to keep my Grandmother warm, safe, dry, fed, clean and comfortable. Even though her demented mind said the opposite, I knew better than to argue with dementia. I made an agreement with her several years ago when she was of sound mind to take care of her to the bitter end no matter what happened… and that is exactly what I did. It is that simple and nothing more. And definitely- I have NO regrets. Period.

Overwhelmed...

I am overwhelmed by how many sympathy cards I have received in the mail this past week... so many wishes from so many good people- friends and family- near and far... And their words of encouragement and their memories of my Grandmother bring tears to my eyes every time I open another one and read it. Such sweet notes and I will treasure every single one of them!
I finally started tackling the massive stack of thank you notes last night- only to discover that my book of stamps is now out of date... Again! I cannot use up a book of stamps EVER before they are raising the price again! What a crock! And on top of that, I do not have addresses for half the folks that sent us flowers!! Oh well, it looks like a trip to the PO and lots of phone calls are on my agenda in the next few days.

The Long Road Ahead...

So yesterday was the first morning in a quite a while that we actually got to sleep in… and in our OWN bed! How nice it was! We had gone back home again really early Saturday morning to run errands, attend a family reunion, take Sampson back the vet, etc. It was a really long day and we did not get home until after midnight Saturday night. Besides the fact that Sampson has eaten next to nothing for the past two weeks, his visit to the Vet did not really tell us much either- and just like my Grandmother, he will not last too much longer without food intake. But, we have tried to get him to eat just about anything and everything and he just turns his head away from it or he gets up and moves to another room in the house. And for the ol’ Warrior to deny food is just sacrilegious! He is getting so skinny and his bones are really showing now through his fur… it is quite depressing on top of everything else that has happened over the past few weeks. But, we are so fortunate to have some great neighbors to take care of him during the day and on the nights that Mike is out of town. And they have much better luck and skill getting Sampson to eat a little something each day.
Over the weekend I did manage to start tackling the monster task of sorting my Grandmother’s account statements, receipts, etc. Our living room is covered in stacks of documents. I am trying to get a grip on what exactly what I am going to have to close, transfer, etc. in the next few weeks/months in order to settle her estate. The good news is that she did not have any debts or mortgages- just insurance policies, utility bills, and insurance accounts. I actually made the first two calls today on her primary and secondary insurance carriers to get their automatic payment schedules to stop debiting money from her bank account. After a long hold waiting on medicare to pick up the line, I am now over 10 minutes on hold waiting on social security to pick up as I type this post- Imagine that. And I thought my journey was soon over…

Saying Goodbye...

I am staring at this blank Word document and just do not know where to begin…

A lot has happened since my last blog post as most of you already know. My Grandmother passed away late last Saturday night after not eating or drinking for over three days. We had finally managed to get my father up to see her on Saturday afternoon and I truly believe that was what she was waiting on since all of the rest of the family had already made it there to be with her in the last three days. Her condition was still the same as the day before just less and less responses to my voice and touch. Hubby and I came back to see her again that Saturday evening around 8pm- we spent 30 or so minutes with her. I remember telling her that we were staying at her house again that night and would be back to see her the next morning and how much we loved her. She died two hours later. We were back there by 11pm and then had to endure the hospice coming in and pronouncing her, destroying all the leftover meds, and then preparing the body for pickup. And then the funeral home came in, gave me their instructions, etc. and then together with hospice they did the final preparations and took her away. I seemed to be floating around the entire time just trying to take it all in- watching them destroy the thousands of dollars of pills and those precious glaucoma eye drops, listening to the preacher talk about happier times, watching my brother breakdown at her bedside once he got there, watching them zip the body bag with her in it, listening to the funeral director instruct me on her burial outfit and how to transport it, and then being left with the mound of paperwork in hand once they leave with her. And all of that by 2am!
And then we had to be back at the funeral home by 10am to set up the arrangements. I am sitting at this table with the funeral director and my mother answering a thousand or so questions when I realize that never in my life did I ever think that I would be planning someone’s funeral… Not at my young age at least. And then my father and his wife show up and his input only makes the setting of the arrangements even harder. All in all, the meeting was a lot easier than I thought planning a funeral would be. Of course, I am sure that if her death was a sudden one, that planning would have been a lot harder. I spent the next couple days on the phone- seriously- the phone did not stop ringing. The amount of emails, text messages, Facebook messages and phone calls was overwhelming. There were a few times that I almost turned the phone off just to be able to get something else done- at least that is what Hubby kept threatening. I kept going through my phone list trying to make sure that I did not miss some distant family member and I am here to tell you that I AMAZED at how many folks STILL do not understand the concept of dementia- or the fact that you CAN die of it- or at least from the complications that result from advanced stage dementia. The weather during all of this was horrible too- the rain and storms just kept coming. We were trying to get her house and yard in order just in case someone dropped in. The visitation was Tuesday night- lots of folks that I have not seen a really long time came to pay their respects. I did really well on the “try not to cry” rule of mine until one of my Grandmother’s older friends started talking about “have no regrets” and all… Why is there always one person in the bunch that insists on upsetting the surviving family members? I just KNEW someone was going to do that- it never fails. Afterwards, we went out to supper in town with a group of my old buddies and how nice it was to catch up with them!
The funeral was late Wednesday morning and the weather actually cooperated! I had struggled for the few days before trying to pull together the pallbearer list, but it all worked out in the end. The service was wonderful, my Grandmother’s cousin played her favorite- Amazing Grace on the bagpipes at the graveside and then we had the most delicious lunch at the Church afterwards. You should have seen the spread of food these good folks from her Church put on! I just could not get over how much food was there. When we made it back to the house, all of the flowers and plants filled the den- had to sort them out- one to each Church, one to the Assisted Living, one to the Caregiver, one to Hospice, my mother, my father, and us. And then we had to sort the dishes folks brought to the house… it just never seemed to stop. We finally made it back to the city late that night since both of us had to go back to work. And now the large task of sorting her affairs is on the horizon- Lord help me with this arduous task- I am going to need it. Hopefully, closing and transferring accounts and settling the estate will go as smoothly as possible. I just hope the family members involved want to cooperate and help this transition go as easy as possible too. We shall see…

The Road Long Traveled

The call came in yesterday afternoon while I was in a long meeting at work. I did not get the voicemail until almost two hours later. My Grandmother had been non-responsive all day yesterday. She just slept all day in a deep slumber and the caregivers could not awaken her to eat, drink or take her meds. I called my Mom and she went over there after work to try herself. They tried everything to get some sort of response out of her- even putting ice cubes on the bottoms of her feet! And they got nothing…
The hospice on-call nurse arrived late yesterday evening and after not being able to even detect a blood pressure reading he declared, “it is time”… I get this tidbit around 9pm last night- and that just sends me into overdrive. I go on a packing and preparing frenzy- wash clothes, iron shirts, cook supper, clean kitchen, pack clothes, shoes, linens, landscaping tools, laptop, snacks and try to spend time with the dog in between. I finally crashed at midnight after all of above and having successfully called boot camp and work to tell them I would not be there this morning.
I did not sleep well at all and woke very tired. Showered and loaded up vehicle in record time and hit the road.
When I saw my Grandmother this morning (after only 5 days since my last visit) the difference in her physical appearance was most rattling again. She has bones jutting out all over her little body! Her eyes are wide open staring upward and her mouth is just gaping open and the loud sound of her breathing just makes me wonder if she is struggling to get enough air. Both ladies that care for her are with me and I grab her hands and call out to her, “Memaw! Memaw it is me, Kelly!” and her eyebrows actually raise up! And both hands quickly squeeze mine just for a second. Both caregivers are in shock… I keep calling out to her and talking to her and she only responds sporadically with eyebrow movements and quick hand movements. It is almost like her mouth and eyes are paralyzed or something. I went by several times today to see her in between all of the yard work projects my brother, Hubby and I worked on at her house all day. I pretty much got the same responses all day- but, by this evening she seemed to try to say something but her mouth would not do anything more than stay gaped open. I talked to her over and over and assured her that everything was okay. Of course, I know that without food or water she will not last long. But, any ability to eat or drink is now gone. The lines of communication are gone. The capability of functioning on any level is gone. And soon she will be gone… My heart is filled with sadness this day.

Score!

Since my Grandmother is now on an "ensure" and smoothie diet, they are trying to get 3 to 5 cans down her a day....And well, that is about 21 to 35 cans per week! And even though I just delivered last Friday six 6-packs of those precious Target-brand "Nutritional Drinks" (ensure knock-offs about $3/pak cheaper), I made another ensure run yesterday after work. And can you say "SCORE!" ? I landed TWELVE 6-packs yesterday in one store!! How awesome is that? I usually find only 2 or 4 on the shelf or none at all. I was definitely on a lucky streak last night!!

Home Cooked Memories!

Hubby and I made a trip to the local vegetable stand this afternoon for some homegrown goodies. We bought lots of delicious things and then came home to start the pot roast I told Hubby I was going to cook him for his work lunches this coming week. I decided to cook the pint of pink-eyed peas I bought at the stand and several ears of the white corn. I pulled out my old pressure cooker that my Grandmother gave me when I bought my first house. I set up the peas with bacon bits and set it to cook. About twenty minutes later, Hubby comes flying in the office to inform me that the pot of peas is going crazy in the kitchen. I just laugh and say that is what they are supposed to be doing! He must not be used to someone cooking in a pressure cooker- guess that is a sign I should be cooking more food in it more often, huh? Well, a little later I went to the basement to grab the clothes out of the dryer and when I came back into the main level of our house, the delicious smell of the peas cooking just filled my head with so many childhood memories of my Grandmother’s home smelling just like that for so many years and my heart just longed to be in her kitchen again. I told Hubby that the smell of our supper cooking smelled just liked my home with my Grandmother when I was growing up and how much I just love that smell. Needless to say, the meal was as delicious as I remember hers being back home. My heart is smiling!

One Day At A Time...

I left work early on Friday with our dog Sampson in tow. I had taken him to work with me in the early hours of that morning… he did well at the office and during the 2 hour ride to my hometown. We arrived on time at the house where my Grandmother stays these days with her Caregiver. When we walked into her room there, her physical appearance surprised me… I could not believe how different she looked from just two weeks earlier when we were last in town. She was lying in the bed eyes wide open and staring up at the sky it seemed with her mouth gaping open. And she looked so frail and gaunt… she seems to be wasting away before my eyes- I think to myself. We call out her name and she comes to, words jumbled and mumbled and her eyes are now straight ahead but not exactly looking at US. The Caregiver tries to feed her a sandwich and has to repeatedly tell her to open her mouth, chew the food, and swallow the food and so on. She manages to get about two bites down her and gives up on the solid food and moves onto the Ensure supplement drink. She no longer uses a straw since she bites it and won’t let go. She gets it down sip by sip. And then she dozed off… her pattern seems to be mostly dozing or sleeping and then awake when spoken to or stimulated by bathing, eating, etc. Watching her that morning and then watching her again that evening confirmed that she is much worse than just two weeks ago. I went back to see her on Saturday morning and again for several hours that afternoon. She pretty much stayed in the bed dozing or mumbling… her speech is gone, but she still recognizes me by name and voice. Of course I am concerned about the fact that she is living off Ensure drinks. And the fact that she is pretty much in the bed all day now. We are heading back down there this Friday until Sunday do work on the land, do some clean up at her house and visit with her too. I called the Preacher and her best friend and told them that it was not good… I really cannot say how much longer she has….
And then there is our beloved dog… I took him the Vet back home on Friday afternoon for a second opinion. He wound up staying overnight and the verdict is not good. His spleen is full of cancer, which is driving his white blood cells high, and his red blood cells low causing him to be severely anemic. The mass in his spleen is pushing against his GI tract making it hard for him to digest food. His blood is thin, his temperature is high and he has a severe case of congestive heart failure. And now because all of the above makes him not want to eat, his body mass is consuming itself for nutrition. Poor Sampson! He has the saddest eyes you have ever seen. It is just depression all around in our household right now…

My heavy workload right now at my job is also weighing on me and taking its toll. Along with the ongoing drama with the psycho neighbor and a certain family member, I am just about ready to de-nail my fingers! I am graying by the minute for crying out loud…
I did tell Hubby this morning that when this is all over, I want to go the beach and just sit. No schedule, no worries, no plans, no nothing… just us and a cooler of cold drinks in the sun next to the ocean. We shall see if that ever happens…

My Merry-Go-Round Is Outta Control!!

I feel like I am on a merry-go-round that is spinning out of control and everyone is falling apart around me!
That is exactly how I felt today... dealing with all of the dog's ups and downs these past two weeks has been traumatic enough and now my Grandmother has stopped eating. That was the first phone call of the day after I spent a chunk of my morning taking the dog over to the good neighbors for the day. The phone call took another chunk of my day as I listened to the Caregiver plow through all the details of my Grandmother's latest behaviors. It is as if she has forgotten "what to do" when food or drink is spooned into her mouth- almost like the wire between her brain and her jaw to chew is gone as well as the wire to her esophagus to swallow. Besides the fact that the Caregiver is dealing with her own son in ICU and juggling that with my ever-downward-spiraling Grandmother, she is all stressed out. And her stress just adds to my stress... again, there goes that darn merry-go-round!
Hubby had decided to try and get Sampson an appointment at the Vet's office back home for sometime Friday afternoon- I would just take a 1/2 day off to take him down there and Hubby would just meet me there after he left his work site in Alabama that afternoon since we already planning on a trip home this weekend (and we missed Mothers Day wkend!). Well now that the Caregiver has continuously called me with more and more unfavorable reports on my Grandmother this week, I have pretty much decided that maybe I should just take the whole day off and go spend some time with her too. I will just have to take the dog with me...
I am also struggling to balance all of the above with my heavy work load right now at the office.... trying to juggle three diffferent projects and deal with outside drama and trauma just does not sit well with me. And let's not forget about the ever-ongoing drama with the cable-hating-drama queen next door.... that whole ordeal has me practically running into the house everyday when I park in the driveway just so I won't have to see or hear her....
Again, when will this merry-go-round ever stop? And then tonight a letter came in the mail from a neighbor back home with a picture of us on Christmas Day with my Grandmother... I just teared up when I saw it. That was the day we moved her out of assisted living and in with the Caregiver because "it was time"... it is so hard to believe that was almost five months ago! Where does time go when my world is so darn chaotic?
One bit of good news: Sampson stayed home with us last night since Hubby came home from Alabama... we actually got him to eat pizza crust with us while enjoying the Biggest Loser finale. He seemed much more upbeat last night but is definitely still not quite his old self. He did have another little accident while he slept through the night- fortunately this time he was on the hardwood floor and not the carpet! It's the small things that make me happy...

Current Health Update… Another Day in the Life of the Kelly Show

Well my nephew went to see the orthopedic doctor last week and turns out the broken arm is actually a broken shoulder! How crazy is that? And the fact that he is seeing the same doc as my Grandmother (who went in last time for a so-called broken shoulder) is even wilder!
I have only talked with my Grandmother one time this entire week… major cloud of guilt hanging over my head on this one… however, this week has been so jam-packed with craziness between work and all the other dramas in my life that I just have not found the time in her available hours of 10am-5pm to make the calls… I do know that the Caregiver finally discovered what is making my Grandmother not want to eat any thing (she is constantly scrunching up her face and saying “Yuck” to every thing lately)… it is the UTI meds the doc put her on! So they changed her meds and now she is eating normally once again… I love it when the planets line back up for her…Ahhhhh….On a difficult note, however, she has been having some nightmares (out loud) that the Caregiver has witnessed upon waking her in the mornings this past week… the topics always involve family members’ from her past- way back in her childhood years… very eerie to experience some of things she says according to the Caregiver… I am not in the least bit surprised… I remember some of these same relatives from when I was a small child and they scared me too even then!
Well today is Mothers Day and we opted to stay home today to tend to our poor doggie, Sampson. He actually did really well on Friday and seemed almost his old self all day yesterday. But, this morning brought on a very, very sick dog…. We woke to an almost paralyzed-like animal that pretty much has not moved much at all today. He did disappear at one point and Hubby found him lying in the middle of the creek drinking and yakking… over and over. At some point he came out of the creek and lay up onto the ivy embankment. He just moaned and groaned with every breath just like he was having trouble breathing. We finally got him up onto the driveway and then the shivering started and he was almost lifeless-like. We finally carried him into the garage onto a makeshift bed and that is where he has been all afternoon and tonight. Hubby has been staying with him most of the day. Hopefully, tomorrow will bring him strength and a burst of healthy energy so he can enjoy another good day with us. Say a prayer…

Another Eventful Weekend!

Sounds like this past weekend was an eventful one... I was in Denver for my company's Annual Conference which started with a 6:30am flight on Friday morning... Had the clock set for 4am and still did not manage to make to 4am since our dog woke me up at 3am puking all over Hubby's bathroom floor. Yes, our dog is not doing too good these days... I am deeply saddened since he is only 10 1/2 years old and I just lost my dog only a short year or so ago.. I really do not think I can take another doggie passing so soon. Sampson has had this ongoing breathing condition for months now that just kept getting worse. At first the vet said it was allergies and the next time they said his heart is enlarged and he seems to have congestive heart failure. They kept him overnight on diuretics to remove the fluid off his heart. He seems to be moving around a lot slower now since all that started. Well, he got sick again last week to the point where he was practically unresponsive when talked to or petted. Now the vet is saying he is severely anemic. He has also stopped eating for the most part. Hubby bought him a flat of wet dog food and he seemed to eat that over the weekend but as of last night he has stopped again. Of course our neighbors (the good ones) are devasted over this too since Sampson stays with them half the time. I do not want to even think about our life without the Warrior since he has been our "child" throughout our entire marriage and courtship before that. He is such a great companion and always provides us such entertainment. He woke us up again this morning around 3:45am gagging up stuff on our bedroom floor... All we can do is pray..
In the meantime, my 9-yr old nephew Austin managed to wreck his motorcycle this past Sunday on the farm... they didn't found out until yesterday that he broke his upper arm and now he is scheduled to go see the same orthopedic doc my Grandmother goes to! Since the break is so high there really is no way to put a cast on his arm... very odd. Oh well, no motorcycle riding, no fishing, no hunting, no nothing for the little daredevil- and that is what hurts him the most!
My Grandmother did not have a good weekend either- her ongoing unhappiness with everything, her constant negativity and her neverending refusal to do anything the Caregiver asks of her is just wearing them thin. She hates everything food-wise they give her, she tries to chew up her pills now (which of course taste awful) and everytime they touch her to bathe her or change her bottoms she screams like they are beating her. I am really beginning to think she has reverted back to her terrible 2's again... I am planning to go see her sometime this weekend for Mothers Day... but, that will be another blog topic later...;-D

Stuck In A Rut

I am deeply saddened today after spending quite a bit of time with my Grandmother last week while we were back home working on our land. Her mind is stuck on the same subject as it has been for the last few months- she spends who knows how long each and every day trying to figure out "how to get out of here"... every time I visit her she babbles and rambles on and on about "going somewhere else" and how "she can't take it anymore"... I cannot understand 90% of what she babbles but, the 10% that I can decipher comes down to her wanting to go elsewhere. I tell her that the only other option at this point is the nursing home and she then threatens that "I (she) am going to find me another place to go live"... I ask her why and what the problem is and get nothing in response. Again, she is stuck in this mindset and I do not know why I even try to reason with dementia.
My Mom and I took her to Callaway Saturday and she kept babbling the entire time about the same thing over and over and over. I fussed at her several times trying to get her off the subject and try to get her to enjoy the pretty scenery- to no avail. She is just plain ol' bitter and angry. It is sucks! When we "walked" her to the car that morning to head to Callaway, it took us over 10 minute to get her from the kitchen to seated in the car. And then as soon as I crank up the car, she starts steadily rattling on about how she can move home and take care of herself.... and I am steadily asking her how she can take care of herself with a broke hip.. who will cook and clean and wash clothes and drive her to her appointments ... and she just dodges my questions.. and then starts up again with the rambling. I called her yesterday and had the exact same conversation AGAIN only this time I could not get her off the phone. She just goes on and on and on about the same gripes... it makes me want to stop calling her... I just do not know how much I can take of the same conversations over and over with her. What's a girl to do?

Phase II Land Clean-Up

We have officially started phase two of our property clean-up back home in Pine Mountain. We rented some heavy equipment and Operators and starting pushing down trees, uprooting old stumps, etc. this past Saturday. Hubby and I ran our chainsaws cutting up the large trees into smaller lengths for easy handling- we buried some and burned others. We worked sun up to sun down on Saturday and then sun up to mid-afternoon on Sunday. We were so surprised at how much we debris we cleaned up! I forgot to mention that the previous owners used to dump their old junk on one part of the land too- I am talking YEARS of dumping...NOT fun to clean up other folks crap! Unfortunately, the bull dozer we rented cannot get close enough to all of the junk to relocate it... so we are renting a track-hoe with a grappling hook to pull the debris to relocate it. The track-hoe will be delivered tomorrow and we will be starting back to work tomorrow as well. Why not use up our precious vacation days to do manual labor for free? My kind of vacation! The worse part is the fear of ticks, inhaling all the smoke from the burn pit, non-stop sweating due to the high levels of humidity, and running around in uncomfortable work boots. I just hope the end product by this Sunday makes it all worth it. And I just hope we get our entire To-Do List finished by Sunday too.

After we finished our work last Sunday, we did swing by to see my Grandmother on our way home. Boy, she was full of bitterness that visit. It is so frustrating to spend time with her since she seems more and more bitter and angry all the time now- even Hubby got to witness it this time around. I think at this point in our trip down dementia lane I have just got to accept the fact that no matter how well she is taken care of physically, she will never be happy again- never be happy any where or in any place. It just seems like her record is scratched on the bitter groove and it just keeps playing over and over. I do not know how the Caregivers deal with it day in and day out. I know it has to be hard on them too- especially enduring it 24/7. This is just another reason I should count my blessings every day....

Endurance Is A Gift

Today is Good Friday and here I am at work. It is so hard to believe that April is almost half over and it makes me wonder where did the first 1/3 of this year go already? We are headed back down to Pine Mtn tomorrow... not necessarily for the Easter holiday... just to do some things on our neverending To-Do List. I will head to the store today to buy my Grandmother some Easter goodies.... I always like to show up with gifts for her. Sweets always make her smile. Since our conversations lately have been so limited due to her diminishing communication skills, I try to bring gifts to stimulate her mood- which makes my visits much more enjoyable. I do not know why I carry this ongoing guilt for not going down to visit her more often. I keep telling myself that every other week really is enough... but, that guilt feeling is always lingering. And now as her dementia increases, her ability to communicate her negativity towards me (since I am her main target) has dwindled. I am not having to call down there every single day to talk to her- she just does not remember if I call any more or not. She really does not ask and when I do talk to her, she does not ask why I did not call the day before. Yet, I still religiousy call to talk to her at least every-other-day. Of course, the conversations are mostly about much of nothing- very limited, very brief- and on those days that she does try to say something, it sounds like babbling and I cannot make out much of any of it- very stressful!! Oh well, I am going to visit her for a couple of hours on Saturday any way. Hubby will run some errands while I am visiting her and then we are meeting up with an Equipment Operator around lunch time and going over to our land to do some work-planning. We are gearing up to do some more work on our property starting next weekend- Exciting! I love to watch progress on our future home land... We will then head to the south end of the county to consume oysters with other friends and family (while they are still in season)... and then probably head back up to the City that night. I know it is a long day trip but, I decided against staying for Easter service in our hometown Church. I really do want to go but, the fact that ALL those folks attending the service will be inquiring about my Grandmother- it just does not sound like something I want to endure. I am saddened that I cannot take her with me, but I am not willing to attempt that with her broken hip and all. And I am not ready to answer the same questions over and over and justify why she is not there. Is that just awful of me or what? Oh well, I cannot help it if I am not ready for it. Period.

Home On The Range...

We made the trip home on Saturday in a monsoon no less. We really needed a raft to get down there it was raining so hard. We ran errands around town when we got there taking care of my Grandmother’s business. And then Hubby dropped me off at to visit my Grandmother (after helping me unload all the geriatrics purchases I had bought last week). I stayed with her for about two hours and believe it or not- it flew by! When I first saw her in her bedroom, she was lounging in her reclining wheelchair with her eyes closed. I spoke and she magically perked up. Her speech was still slurred and her words were very hard to decipher. I pulled a chair right up next to her so I could put my ear next to her mouth. She kept reaching out to touch my face as if she wanted to see if I was really there… and not a dream maybe?? I brought her copies of six bluegrass music CD’s and they put one in the player… she would get this really big smile on her face and start shaking her legs and hands to the beat of the music (all while in the wheelchair) just like she was dancing to the music. She loved it! The music just makes her so happy. They did get her out of the wheelchair at one point and let her show me how she walks around the house- up and down the halls and around her bedroom and into the kitchen and around the island. It is almost as if she does not feel pain at all! Her threshold of pain must be ridiculously high is all I can figure… Then, she had lunch and a bathroom trip… still no complaining of pain in her hip… we listened to more bluegrass- she kept her eyes closed (unknowingly) most of the time while listening- not sure why she keeps her eyes closed so much now (something to talk to her eye doc about I guess)… and before I knew it- Hubby was there to pick me up. We had to go change into our dressy clothes for a family wedding later that afternoon up in LaGrange. I felt bad leaving her… but, she did not seem to be too upset about it this time.
I called her today to chat and could not interpret one single thing she said to me… very disconcerting to say the least. I just kept replying yes and uh-huh to humor her… I just hope I did not agree to too much! I talked to her about the usual (weather, work, Hubby, etc.) and closed with how much I loved her…
I think that my visit on Saturday and today’s chat on the phone really tell a dark picture of the days to come with her… I am saddened more and more as our lines of communication are dwindling. I still feel like she is herself and she knows me but I just cannot understand her words. Very upsetting…

Geriatrics Shopping Spree

In anticipation of my visit with my Grandmother this past weekend, I spent almost all of my lunch hours and afternoons after work riding around town purchasing Grandmother supplies. What sucks about it is that each different item has to be bought at a different store than all the others- so instead of going to one store and getting everything there, I have to go to 3 or 4 different stores to buy the never-ending list of stuff that she requires. I try to buy these things in bulk sizes so I am not having to Grandmother shop every other week. Well, this week was full of disappointments in the all-week Grandmother shopping spree… the first Target that I wasted my time going into for ensure knock-offs ($2-3 less than ensure!) only had ONE 6 pack in stock! I need AT LEAST six of them since she drinks 2 a day! I tried to salvage the trip by looking for the flushable wipes… NO luck- only baby wipes and they are not flushable!!! I wound up hitting another Target and scoring 7 more packs of the ensure knock-offs. And then a trip to BJ’s Wholesale landed 2 huge cases of lady pull-ups… no wipes again- only the freaking non-flushable ones! What a crock! I did manage to find HUGE bottles of fish oil, centrum silver, and citrical at BJ’s… those all important over-the-counter pills she requires… And then I had an epiphany while standing in line with the huge cases of depends sticking out of the cart… I started to wonder at what point in my life did I start shopping for adult pull-ups and ensures? Who would have ever thought that I, Kelly would be shopping for these things in my mid-30’s? I mean my Husband could hardly stand next the cart the one time he went with me to wal-mart to buy a small supply of pull-ups… I guess it just doesn’t faze me any more at this point. I mean seriously- do it look like my big butt will fit into a Ladies Cut Small diaper? Please people! And even though I rode around most of this week with all these huge boxes of geriatric supplies in my car, I still made myself unload them into our garage on Thursday- Lord help if someone were to see them in my car…now is that so wrong of me?

Hop On the Dementia Rollercoaster!

I found out on Friday that the rehabilitation center has projected my Grandmother’s release date to be this Thursday, March 26- a little surprising to say the least! And because I could not make the drive down to visit her at all last week, I had at least one visitor per day planned out up through yesterday. Since my mom and brother were coming up to visit us in Marietta this past weekend, I had to schedule my dad twice- on Saturday and Sunday just to make sure someone went to see her over the weekend. Of course her caregiver goes to see her just about everyday- but, my Grandmother does not seem to really remember her after this whole broken hip ordeal. Everyone who went and visited her over the course of last week had pretty positive feedback about his or her visit… well almost everyone- except my dad. His reports are always just the opposite. I am really beginning to think it is just him. You see even after dealing with my Grandmother’s sickness for over two years my dad is still in denial- in denial of her dementia, in denial of her disabilities, in denial of her aging, the list goes on and on. So he doesn’t understand why she does the things she does and why she does not do the things she used to could do. His behavior is so typical of family members (usually men) who just cannot or will not accept changes in their loved ones. Changes that cannot be prevented or helped… yet, they just do not get it! Come on people, the information is out there to read up on it…why not just take the time to research it so you can understand her and her condition! For example, I called him on Sunday to see how his visit went on Saturday… he tells me that she was “pitching a fit and struggling to get out of the wheelchair the entire time I was there”. He says that she stays angry and combative… I called him on Sunday night to see how his visit was earlier that day- same story just a different day. So later that night I decided to make the trip myself on Monday afternoon.
I came into work early so I could leave a little early yesterday afternoon… luck was on my side because I managed to avoid any/all traffic the entire way down there… got there by 5:30. My mom called on the way and said she wanted to meet me there to visit her too. So we entered the building together and found her in the wheelchair sitting out in the common area in front of the nurse’s station. She was yelling out at some nurse walking by her at that moment, “hey! Hello! Hey! Hello!” while pulling on the Velcro wheelchair strap that keeps her from coming out of the chair… we stopped for a minute and just watched her… it kind of reminded me of one of those homeless people you see sitting on the side of the street hollering for a hand out all the while everyone walking by are just ignoring them. I slowly walked up and silently stood right in front of her path of vision…. She looks up at my face and slowly grins like she recognizes me… but, then the smile fades, her demeanor changes and she says, “where have you been?!”… Now that is exactly what I had expected from my always-agitated Grandmother…and nothing less. And then she says, “and where is your mom?” and mom pops up next to me and says, “right here!”…And now she is really surprised… she just looks back and forth at both of us… and then she busts out crying…I slowly interpret her sobs in that she is “so glad that we are all together again”… and then a minute later she has stopped crying and is babbling about something and we are both baffled at what she is saying… it seems that her ability to talk and understand her words is waning and she speaks in such a low tone that you can hardly hear her words. Well, we spent the next hour on this rollercoaster of happy, crying, surprise, happy, crying, over and over and over. And then around 6:15 her energy level just deflated and she was asleep in the chair by 6:30. We watched the nurse tech put her bed and then told her bye…. As I made the long drive back to the city, I watched the beautiful sunset on my left through the trees and thought for a long time about how different life is going to be for my Grandmother and her caregiver when she returns to Pine Mountain later this week. A broken hip and an increased level of dementia is going to make life very much more complicated… we shall see what happens…

From One Hospital to the Next

I made the trip down on Sunday and stayed with Grandmother all day in her hospital room- nothing really happens around there on Sundays so not too much to report.

After many phone calls back and forth on Monday, I received the good news that the Roosevelt Rehab Institute in Warm Springs had accepted her into their program. However, she would not be transferred there until Tuesday (we were hoping for Monday). Her blood pressure had been up all day and the doctors had adjusted/changed her meds to remedy the problem.

I decided to make another trip down there early on Tuesday morning for the transfer, the paperwork, etc. I arrived at the hospital that morning around 7am and they finally released her for transfer to Roosevelt right around 12 noon. She napped pretty much all morning as if she did not sleep much the night before... she barely woke even when they moved her onto the stretcher and into the ambulance...
I made the drive to Warm Springs and completed all the paperwork in Admissions. When I was finally escorted to her room and found her in a DEEP sleep. And that is pretty much how she was ALL afternoon... it was kind of scary especially since she had no pain medicine in a day or so... and she had to be practically shaken physically while loudly calling her name just to get her to open her eyes and acknowledge me. It really had me wondering if she possibly had another brain seizure during transport.
After several interviews with different Roosevelt folks on her "rehabilitation team" and a 1000 questions answered later, I left her around 5pm. And I felt like a mother leaving her child to strangers...
I did make a call to her Main Nurse and checked in on her this afternoon- she did finally wake sometime last night and they have been "assessing her condition" all day today- I should get a full report tomorrow... Until then-