Endurance Is A Gift

Today is Good Friday and here I am at work. It is so hard to believe that April is almost half over and it makes me wonder where did the first 1/3 of this year go already? We are headed back down to Pine Mtn tomorrow... not necessarily for the Easter holiday... just to do some things on our neverending To-Do List. I will head to the store today to buy my Grandmother some Easter goodies.... I always like to show up with gifts for her. Sweets always make her smile. Since our conversations lately have been so limited due to her diminishing communication skills, I try to bring gifts to stimulate her mood- which makes my visits much more enjoyable. I do not know why I carry this ongoing guilt for not going down to visit her more often. I keep telling myself that every other week really is enough... but, that guilt feeling is always lingering. And now as her dementia increases, her ability to communicate her negativity towards me (since I am her main target) has dwindled. I am not having to call down there every single day to talk to her- she just does not remember if I call any more or not. She really does not ask and when I do talk to her, she does not ask why I did not call the day before. Yet, I still religiousy call to talk to her at least every-other-day. Of course, the conversations are mostly about much of nothing- very limited, very brief- and on those days that she does try to say something, it sounds like babbling and I cannot make out much of any of it- very stressful!! Oh well, I am going to visit her for a couple of hours on Saturday any way. Hubby will run some errands while I am visiting her and then we are meeting up with an Equipment Operator around lunch time and going over to our land to do some work-planning. We are gearing up to do some more work on our property starting next weekend- Exciting! I love to watch progress on our future home land... We will then head to the south end of the county to consume oysters with other friends and family (while they are still in season)... and then probably head back up to the City that night. I know it is a long day trip but, I decided against staying for Easter service in our hometown Church. I really do want to go but, the fact that ALL those folks attending the service will be inquiring about my Grandmother- it just does not sound like something I want to endure. I am saddened that I cannot take her with me, but I am not willing to attempt that with her broken hip and all. And I am not ready to answer the same questions over and over and justify why she is not there. Is that just awful of me or what? Oh well, I cannot help it if I am not ready for it. Period.